You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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