Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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