You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
