My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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