booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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