He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
