Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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