I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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