Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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