She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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