i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
