Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my being single is dangerous.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
