ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
