I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
