Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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