I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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