I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
