I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize
