So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
