I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
