actually, I'm a sock model
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
