The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
