next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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