I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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