I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
