when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I have demons in me.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
