I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
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I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
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I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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