just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
