my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
