I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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