I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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