One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
