I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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