Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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