Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
