see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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