i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
