BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
