Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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