he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
