I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
