Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
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It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
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He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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