turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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