Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
