I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
