if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
