her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
