I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
