My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
