You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
