it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
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whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
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no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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