I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
