Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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