Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
