Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
