can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
