when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
