Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
