She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
